Adult Life: Part II....

I was watching an episode of Frasier the other day (sorry, I have too much time on my hands), and something about my previous post on the Adult Life came to mind while the show was on. The change from a gawky teenager to a mature adult was so unsuspecting that somewhere along the way I'd escaped from my cocoon without realizing I have wings. I mean I was happy in that quiet little corner I'd woven for myself, and who wants to leave that and venture out into the unknown, armed with a cheese sandwich and a knapsack? Its understandable for everyone at this stage to be a little apprehensive, not to mention angry at the fact that this change comes at the expense of so much lost along the way...those almost-reachable hopes, those unforgettable nights, and those lingering smiles.

So here I am adjusting to the so-called "Adult Life", missing home food and blinking back guy tears that threaten to moisten the eyes whenever there's one of those mushy movies on, or a forgotten moment reminisced, or just a call from a friend far far away. And at this point of time this woman comes on the show and begins to talk about being an adult, about having to take responsibility, about decisions to make, and paths to pave...and thats when it hit me, I hadnt missed my transition to adulthood...I was there.

Dont get me wrong, I miss the good old days as much as everyone else. I miss deadline skipping, I miss nights of lazing around, I miss being hungry all night because I forgot to eat, I miss blaming fate and luck for mistakes made, I miss crazy trips to wild places with strangers (both physically and metaphorically), I miss taking chances on the next exam or the next red light, I miss not thinking about tomorrow.

But that doesnt mean that life has gone bad...its just different, and you adjust to it, the same way you did when you were pulled out of the womb, when the woman you loved first broke your heart, when you had an accident and realized that you werent invincible. I've had my share of fun and frolic, of dances and demons, of the 70s and highs, and now its time to move on. Its always painful, but there's a realization on the other side that'll make you older, and wiser, and happier. The feeling of that first paycheck, the feeling of waking up early because you want to be on time for office, the idea of studying not cause you have to, but cause you want to, of working harder because you want to be something more than just a nameplate, of giving something your best and knowing that not even fate can waylay you, its exhilarating. I love knowing that I have only myself to answer to, it brings a whole new meaning to the word responsibility. And somehow, I want to make me proud.

And this may sound crazy, but I want to have a job I love. I want to have a car thats a pleasure to drive, and a bike for those romantic trips. I want to meet the imperfect woman and have the perfect relationship. I want to have irritating inlaws and loving children. I want to be there when my parents grow old and my brother gets married. I want to pray, love, and lose. I want to have more meaning in my life than just spontaneous plans, a deeper sense of direction than just planning tonight, a fulfillment thats more than just immediate. I want more.

I may have forsaken my cocoon, but I've realized that I have wings...and I want to fly.

Facts I've Learnt The Hard Way...

[] No matter how close your friends may be, ultimately you always are, and will be, alone.

[] If you lose faith in yourself, then you're not living, you're just surviving.

[] It hurts most when you lose love not cause of anyone's mistake, but because of circumstance.

[] Only in movies will you get a second chance, in life that rarely happens.

[] Life has the capability to break you and push you to your knees, you're just lucky if you havent experienced it...yet.

[] The minute you begin to hope, you've opened a window to be disappointed and dejected too.

[] Its better to be pessimistic that optimistic, atleast that way when something bad happens, you're already crying.

[] You can fight authority, you can fight emotion, you can even fight conventionality, but you cant fight destiny.

[] If you choose to go against the flow of life...hold your breath, and be prepared to drown.

[] The only person who's gonna be by your side all your life...is you.

[] "Unrequited Love" and "Forever" are all hypothetical situtations.

[] Every selfless deed arises from a selfish need.

Sher-O-Shayari

This is just a friendly verbal joust between me and a buddy of mine that I really liked...

ME: Banna tha philosopher bane chale hum engineer, pataa nahin kaise kategi zindagi jab katthe nahin yeh do year

HIM: Dil se nikala hua har shabd sher ban jata hain... "arbit" hi sahi par dil ki baat bol jata hain

ME: Dil ki baat bolne ke liye hi to sher chaahiye re...kambakht dil bhi aisa hai ki bol nahin paata usme kya chupaa hai

HIM: Ye sher-sher khelne ki tarkeeb teri...kahin orkut ke server pe pad na jaye bhari

ME: Abey sirf orkut ne hi to meraa diyaa hai saath...chahe khushi ho ya gum, din ho ya raat

HIM: Saath dene ki tu baat mat kar...gum ko mitane ke liye rum tere sath rahi hain tera saya bankar

ME: Sharaab, shabaab aur kabaab is umar mein nahin to kab karegaa...ek baari jawaani chhod gayi to tu kya jiyegaa aur kya maregaa

HIM: Jawan dil se raho, husna se nahi...yeh jawani is dil se hain sharab aur shabab se nahi

ME: Jawaani ko dil mein rakh ke tum kya paaoge...ghadi ki sooyion mein ghoomte reh jaaoge

HIM: Ghadi ki suyian kisi ke liye thamti nahi kabhi... magar yeh dil ki dhadkan kisi ki ahat ke liye zindagi bhar ke liye ruk jati hain

ME: Dhadkano ke liye hi to ji rahe hain zindagi mere yaar...yeh aahat nahin hoti to na hote tum, na hum, aur na yeh pyaar

HIM: Kehte hain saccha pyaar ek bar zindagi mein karna chahiye...marne se pehle khuda se ek bar milna chahiye

ME: Khuda na is janam mein milenge na milenge iske baad...bas rahegi unke saath kuch meethe lamhein aur bahut saare yaad

HIM: Kuch zindagian kat gaye unki intezaar main...magar woh lamhe na vapas aaye aur hum sawal banke reh gaye aapne aap main

ME: Sawaal hi to reh gaye bas, ab koi jawaab nahin...bahut husn mile humein magar hamaari mumtaaz nahin

HIM: Aye sheron ke dewane tujhya kya pata saccha pyaar kya hota hain...woh toh us shaajan ke dil se puch jo aaj bhi Taj Mahal banke dhadakta hain

ME: Chaahe imaarat ho ya jaan, baazi to lagaani padti hai pyaar mein...tabhi dil se aawaaz nikalti hai ikraar mein

HIM: Yeh mohabbat toh khuda ki pukaar hain, na samjho is ek jua...na samjho koi khel ki baazi warna zindagi ban jayegi ek jua

ME: Khuda to humein bhool chuke hain, aur hum bhool chuke zindagi ko...pyaar humein bhool chuka hai, aur hum dillagi ko

HIM: Khuda kisiko bhulta nahi, woh toh sirf use yaad karta hai jo use yaad kare...dillagi toh husna se hoti aur pyaar man se...kuch log ji lete hain husna ke sahare aur kuch tahe dil se pyaar karke....par dono cheeze kabhi bhool nahi pate bechare....

ME: Yaadein to man ke khel hain, bhoolna ek khoi hui kalaa...khush haal rehne ka raaz hai, ki apne beete hue kal ko bhulaa

HIM: Aadmi jo kehta hai, aadmi jo sunta hai zindagi bhar woh sadaye peecha karti hain.... guzra hua kal to woh lamha hai jise jitna bhulao utna yaad ata hai, use bhulane main hi usko yaad rakha jata hai

ME: Is justaju ne badla nazaara, naye manjil hue praapt...aaj ki yaad poori karein, is soch ko yahin karte hain samaapt

America...

Its been a little over a month or so here...and I must say the country is really good. The facilities here are outstanding, the quiet and peace here is something to die for, and the cleanliness creates a whole new awareness. People are kind and helpful and there is a professionalism that automatically makes you work harder. Places are uncrowded, the air is fresh, and life is good. I guess I cant complain about the life I'm living, cause everything and everyone here has been good to me, I've gotten pretty much all i could ask for and more, and the prospects of a better life loom large ahead...

But thats not really what I wanted or long for. Never really been a money freak (although I appreciate it enough), and I'm not the one to complain about living standards or want better ones. No, what I really long for is the smell of the earth after the fresh rains back in India, that you can never smell here. I long to walk out in the middle of the night and hear the traffic sounds, the sound of people around you, of protection. I long for the warm mornings waking up in my own bed and the smell of fresh food prepared by Mom's lovely hands. I long to roam the streets of Delhi and Pune and every other Indian city, where I feel familiar without a map, and where everyone is a friend. I long to drive bikes and cars when you cant go over 30kmph cause of the traffic, when trips are extended and all the more fun. I long for the electricity to go out sometime, when candles are lit and real conversations happen. I long to talk over broken net connections, when you realize the value of communication. I long to see Indians on TV, where you relate to everything they say, or atleast make fun of it. I long for the familiarity of my home, where you can step into the next room and know that you are welcome. I long to send smses for the price of a Pan Pasand (its bloody expensive here). I long to eat Papdi Chat and Bhel Puri from the thele and go buy a single cigarette from the tapris. I long to wake up at the same time with the rest of India.

But most of all, I long for the feeling that whenever I'm down or just having "one of those days", I can be with family and friends anytime, and they'll understand, and that I can always be there for them.

I long for India sometimes...

When Love and Life Collide...

Lately everyone I know has been going through a tough time romantically (that includes me off course). Been flung away from the life we know has been kind of rough on the relationship, and split ends and sparks are starting to erupt everywhere. Love lives are ending because of forced marriages, distances being too much, respective lives being so busy that there's no time left to work on the relationship, emotional changes occurring between people cause of the changed environment, and the list goes on.

But thats not really the worst part, we've all been through breakups before. What really is wrong is that everyone seems to have accepted this fate without question, picking up the broken pieces and moving on with their lives, no questions asked. And I'm taken back to the days in college when a relationship meant so much more than just a practical endeavor. When flirting and dating were not just an enjoyable experience, but a way of life. When crazy things were done to impress counterparts (my own including singing in public). When the guys would take trip to unknown places and not look at the sights, spending all their time instead smsing and calling their current "love interests". When every breakup meant a trip to the bar with the whole gang, and every new relationship forged meant the same thing, just that it was paid for. When nights were spent watching movies, listening to songs, and then calling the "other" hostel to tell them how movie scenes reminded them of the good times together. When the college would come alive at night with new and old couples alike, walking, chatting, making out...

I really dont know where those days have gone, or why we have chosen to be so "adult" about this. Why everyone is putting up the brave face while really being torn apart inside by the pain of the split-up. Why all the smiles are forced, when what you really want to do is call and say "I Love You". During the day why we slog to forget the past, when each night is spent tossing, turning, and crying about it. Why everyone is so quiet lately, listening to old songs, going back to the old haunts (atleast when we sleep), just thinking of the good times and wishing that time would rewind, if only for a few hours. Why everyone has accepted life for the way it is, not choosing to fight it with the zeal that we had just a few months back.

Dont grow up so much that you forget who you really are and what you really want. Dont confuse goals with dreams and practicality with love. For once in your life make the decision that you want, not the one that is required.

Dont give up so soon guys...and dont lose that one thing that matters...

Dont Cry...

How many times has life been too hard on you? How many times have you sat down with your head in your hands and your burdens on your shoulders, waiting for that single tear to drop and tell you that its all become too much for you? How many times have you been lost in love, at work, in friendship, with family, on the road or while simply trying to live your life the way you want to?

Where along the way did we lose the best things that we had? Where along the way did we replace realities for memories and dreams for goals? Where along the way did we become so defensive so as to not let anyone into our lives, for fear of one bad experience? Where along the way did we leave everything behind and wake up one day, just wrapped up in a thin blanket of loneliness...

For all you people out there who feel this at one time or another, and i know that most of you do, I dont have words of comfort, or solutions to problems. I'm just a simple man trying to lead a simple life. I dont have answers to anything, not even to things I've seen. Life is still as much a blur as it was. So all I can say to you is, and I really hope this helps...

Dont Cry...

Flying Away...

I'm leaving tomorrow. My bags are packed, and I've got everything of importance that I need. Atleast all that I could pack into two bags. I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. Sometimes I think I'm taking this so well. Or maybe I'm taking it too well, or not at all, who knows...

The last few days I've finished with all I had to do, and I've had time on my hands to think about everything...you know the usual- past, present and the future. And I guess nothing surprises me anymore. You dont need to be 60 years old with a world of responsibility to write about the fact that life's a bitch, you realise that within the first few years. The unitiated wait till they're old to realise that life has its ups and downs and that the sooner you know it, the easier it gets for you to adjust to it. But not me. 20 years are enough to know all I need to know. For all you optimists who know that every "bad" period gives way to the "happy" life eventually, you must know that the 'vice-versa' holds true too. So dont jump around with glee the first chance you get, cause you'll just fall harder when that time ends...and it will.

Dont make me out to be the pessimist. My point is that you need to take everything with a pinch of salt. If you look for the ray of sunshine in your bad day, make sure to look for that darkness too when you have a good time. Cause everything goes away eventually- Childhood, College, Parents, Children, Work...even Life. I guess the easiest way to enjoy life (atleast for me) is to sit back and watch everything pass me by like a really long train journey...you can make a few stops for refreshments at the good stations, but the carriage will rattle too much sometimes for you to handle, and ultimately it will always be time for you to move on.

Which is why I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. I'm just waiting patiently...for the next station or the next jolt, depending on my luck.

Adult Life: Part I....

When I reached the maturity that a teenager reaches, I wanted only one thing...complete freedom and independence. It was all I could think about. Being a virgo I'd always been fiercely independent and longed for that to extend over all parts of my life. I prayed for it night and day, cursing the gods silently for the day to come soon. And recently I realized that I finally had it...I could smoke and drink at will, go out anywhere anyhow anytime, I had my own account and cash to spend, my own residence so to speak...what more could a guy want right? But somehow I'd missed this wonderful transition from partial to complete independence. And I was horrified to have let the single most important incident of my life go by without so much as an applause and a night out in town.

To top it all with irony, the reason for this was that I'd become too busy adjusting and trying to keep up with my new lifestyle. That of an adult. I remember some idiot once said "With every gift comes a responsibility"...well unfortunately for us adults this responsibility is so massive that we're unable to enjoy the very freedom we possess.

Sometimes I recall the days when practicality meant giving up an expensive toy for a cheaper one, or having to stay back home to study an extra hour...now practicality means giving up your love to "get ahead in life", to lose touch with your friends cause you're too busy at work, to fly away to the other side of the world to follow someone else's dream for you.

Is it really worth it? This running around, this constant tension about the work being done and the next one on its way, this weighing down of duties so much so that you want to lie down in a foetal position and weep sometimes, this constant race to keep up with life and all its fuckups.
Everytime I stop to rest after a really tiring day my mind refuses to stop working, thinking about all that is to come and preparing with zeal for the next day of tiring out.

We dont sleep like we used to anymore, a sleep that was truly refreshing cause your mind was out exploring freely without being bound to anything. We dont talk like we used to anymore, voicing our thoughts and emotions as we felt them. We dont cry and laugh like we used to anymore, openly and without shame. We dont live like we used to anymore, without deception and guilt and complexity in any facet of life. If you think about it, we arent really free are we.

Personally, I think it sucks being an adult.

Being Uprooted

Just got out of college. Four years of so-called education are finally over. Am I happy? So I'm 20, and I'm invincible...dont need anyone right now, no friends, no bonding, no emotional baggage so to speak...right? Then why does it hurt to leave? Its not cause I'm weak and dependent on others, and its surely not cause I have nowhere else to be.

So what is it then? Why this sudden bond that is tying me down and wont let me leave the place? Why are there tears in my eyes all of a sudden, when I havent really cried in years? Why am I having doubts and trying to do everything I can to delay my departure? Why am I so afraid to look back as I drive out for the last time towards the airport? Why are all my goodbyes quick "Keep in touch man, see you later"s?? Too many questions that seem to have no answer, for a person never held back by something like "emotion" before.

Took me a long time to figure out the whys and the hows...mainly cause I didnt wanna think about it. Being part of the army family the only long term connection I've ever had has been to my family...not even the word "home" cause that changes every two years with the posting. So when I finally reach college as a youngster, raring for independence and freedom...I get it here. For four long years I'm able to forge lasting relationships and bonds because this place feels like home...a place I'm free to build for myself, of my own choosing. I mean lets face it, this isnt the age when your family house feels like home to you anymore. You want your own place, something that you can return to anytime without any questions asked or eyebrows raised.

But as usual the irony of life comes dancing to play its part in the game. Just as I'm all settled down and comfortable, with a group of good friends and the love I've wanted...life comes to throw cold water and wake me up. To remind me that it aint lasting forever. Its time to move on. And so thats what I do. I pack my bags, say goodbye to the life I know and head back into the unknown. Give up friends, love, security and almost everything else that been so very important to me, and move towards my new posting. Why? To tell you the truth I dont even know the reason I'm leaving college...its not to forge a better life, its not cause thats the order...its just cause life is moving on, and we're ensnared with it.

And you know whats the worst part? For those four best years of my life I have nothing to show...no mementos, no baggage, nothing...just a few pictures and memories that are quickly fading away. Which brings me back to my first point. I'm 20, I'm invincible...and life goes on.

Heaven and Hell....

I know what you're thinking... The only god and the only devil?????? This guy must be absolutely conceited and a definitive narcissist. Well I'm not refuting that claim...to me it means the same this way or that. But there's a reason the title says what it says. Cause thats what we are...we're not all bad, and we surely aint all good...we're just stuck somewhere in the middle trying hard to wriggle to one side.

My point is, why fight it? Why choose fate and luck and charm and karma to decide the million minute decisions you make. Why choose at all. You are who you are, better or worse. You are your only God, you are your only Devil, you're human. Just live with it.