Flying Away...

I'm leaving tomorrow. My bags are packed, and I've got everything of importance that I need. Atleast all that I could pack into two bags. I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. Sometimes I think I'm taking this so well. Or maybe I'm taking it too well, or not at all, who knows...

The last few days I've finished with all I had to do, and I've had time on my hands to think about everything...you know the usual- past, present and the future. And I guess nothing surprises me anymore. You dont need to be 60 years old with a world of responsibility to write about the fact that life's a bitch, you realise that within the first few years. The unitiated wait till they're old to realise that life has its ups and downs and that the sooner you know it, the easier it gets for you to adjust to it. But not me. 20 years are enough to know all I need to know. For all you optimists who know that every "bad" period gives way to the "happy" life eventually, you must know that the 'vice-versa' holds true too. So dont jump around with glee the first chance you get, cause you'll just fall harder when that time ends...and it will.

Dont make me out to be the pessimist. My point is that you need to take everything with a pinch of salt. If you look for the ray of sunshine in your bad day, make sure to look for that darkness too when you have a good time. Cause everything goes away eventually- Childhood, College, Parents, Children, Work...even Life. I guess the easiest way to enjoy life (atleast for me) is to sit back and watch everything pass me by like a really long train journey...you can make a few stops for refreshments at the good stations, but the carriage will rattle too much sometimes for you to handle, and ultimately it will always be time for you to move on.

Which is why I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. I'm just waiting patiently...for the next station or the next jolt, depending on my luck.

Adult Life: Part I....

When I reached the maturity that a teenager reaches, I wanted only one thing...complete freedom and independence. It was all I could think about. Being a virgo I'd always been fiercely independent and longed for that to extend over all parts of my life. I prayed for it night and day, cursing the gods silently for the day to come soon. And recently I realized that I finally had it...I could smoke and drink at will, go out anywhere anyhow anytime, I had my own account and cash to spend, my own residence so to speak...what more could a guy want right? But somehow I'd missed this wonderful transition from partial to complete independence. And I was horrified to have let the single most important incident of my life go by without so much as an applause and a night out in town.

To top it all with irony, the reason for this was that I'd become too busy adjusting and trying to keep up with my new lifestyle. That of an adult. I remember some idiot once said "With every gift comes a responsibility"...well unfortunately for us adults this responsibility is so massive that we're unable to enjoy the very freedom we possess.

Sometimes I recall the days when practicality meant giving up an expensive toy for a cheaper one, or having to stay back home to study an extra hour...now practicality means giving up your love to "get ahead in life", to lose touch with your friends cause you're too busy at work, to fly away to the other side of the world to follow someone else's dream for you.

Is it really worth it? This running around, this constant tension about the work being done and the next one on its way, this weighing down of duties so much so that you want to lie down in a foetal position and weep sometimes, this constant race to keep up with life and all its fuckups.
Everytime I stop to rest after a really tiring day my mind refuses to stop working, thinking about all that is to come and preparing with zeal for the next day of tiring out.

We dont sleep like we used to anymore, a sleep that was truly refreshing cause your mind was out exploring freely without being bound to anything. We dont talk like we used to anymore, voicing our thoughts and emotions as we felt them. We dont cry and laugh like we used to anymore, openly and without shame. We dont live like we used to anymore, without deception and guilt and complexity in any facet of life. If you think about it, we arent really free are we.

Personally, I think it sucks being an adult.

Being Uprooted

Just got out of college. Four years of so-called education are finally over. Am I happy? So I'm 20, and I'm invincible...dont need anyone right now, no friends, no bonding, no emotional baggage so to speak...right? Then why does it hurt to leave? Its not cause I'm weak and dependent on others, and its surely not cause I have nowhere else to be.

So what is it then? Why this sudden bond that is tying me down and wont let me leave the place? Why are there tears in my eyes all of a sudden, when I havent really cried in years? Why am I having doubts and trying to do everything I can to delay my departure? Why am I so afraid to look back as I drive out for the last time towards the airport? Why are all my goodbyes quick "Keep in touch man, see you later"s?? Too many questions that seem to have no answer, for a person never held back by something like "emotion" before.

Took me a long time to figure out the whys and the hows...mainly cause I didnt wanna think about it. Being part of the army family the only long term connection I've ever had has been to my family...not even the word "home" cause that changes every two years with the posting. So when I finally reach college as a youngster, raring for independence and freedom...I get it here. For four long years I'm able to forge lasting relationships and bonds because this place feels like home...a place I'm free to build for myself, of my own choosing. I mean lets face it, this isnt the age when your family house feels like home to you anymore. You want your own place, something that you can return to anytime without any questions asked or eyebrows raised.

But as usual the irony of life comes dancing to play its part in the game. Just as I'm all settled down and comfortable, with a group of good friends and the love I've wanted...life comes to throw cold water and wake me up. To remind me that it aint lasting forever. Its time to move on. And so thats what I do. I pack my bags, say goodbye to the life I know and head back into the unknown. Give up friends, love, security and almost everything else that been so very important to me, and move towards my new posting. Why? To tell you the truth I dont even know the reason I'm leaving college...its not to forge a better life, its not cause thats the order...its just cause life is moving on, and we're ensnared with it.

And you know whats the worst part? For those four best years of my life I have nothing to show...no mementos, no baggage, nothing...just a few pictures and memories that are quickly fading away. Which brings me back to my first point. I'm 20, I'm invincible...and life goes on.

Heaven and Hell....

I know what you're thinking... The only god and the only devil?????? This guy must be absolutely conceited and a definitive narcissist. Well I'm not refuting that claim...to me it means the same this way or that. But there's a reason the title says what it says. Cause thats what we are...we're not all bad, and we surely aint all good...we're just stuck somewhere in the middle trying hard to wriggle to one side.

My point is, why fight it? Why choose fate and luck and charm and karma to decide the million minute decisions you make. Why choose at all. You are who you are, better or worse. You are your only God, you are your only Devil, you're human. Just live with it.