America...

Its been a little over a month or so here...and I must say the country is really good. The facilities here are outstanding, the quiet and peace here is something to die for, and the cleanliness creates a whole new awareness. People are kind and helpful and there is a professionalism that automatically makes you work harder. Places are uncrowded, the air is fresh, and life is good. I guess I cant complain about the life I'm living, cause everything and everyone here has been good to me, I've gotten pretty much all i could ask for and more, and the prospects of a better life loom large ahead...

But thats not really what I wanted or long for. Never really been a money freak (although I appreciate it enough), and I'm not the one to complain about living standards or want better ones. No, what I really long for is the smell of the earth after the fresh rains back in India, that you can never smell here. I long to walk out in the middle of the night and hear the traffic sounds, the sound of people around you, of protection. I long for the warm mornings waking up in my own bed and the smell of fresh food prepared by Mom's lovely hands. I long to roam the streets of Delhi and Pune and every other Indian city, where I feel familiar without a map, and where everyone is a friend. I long to drive bikes and cars when you cant go over 30kmph cause of the traffic, when trips are extended and all the more fun. I long for the electricity to go out sometime, when candles are lit and real conversations happen. I long to talk over broken net connections, when you realize the value of communication. I long to see Indians on TV, where you relate to everything they say, or atleast make fun of it. I long for the familiarity of my home, where you can step into the next room and know that you are welcome. I long to send smses for the price of a Pan Pasand (its bloody expensive here). I long to eat Papdi Chat and Bhel Puri from the thele and go buy a single cigarette from the tapris. I long to wake up at the same time with the rest of India.

But most of all, I long for the feeling that whenever I'm down or just having "one of those days", I can be with family and friends anytime, and they'll understand, and that I can always be there for them.

I long for India sometimes...

When Love and Life Collide...

Lately everyone I know has been going through a tough time romantically (that includes me off course). Been flung away from the life we know has been kind of rough on the relationship, and split ends and sparks are starting to erupt everywhere. Love lives are ending because of forced marriages, distances being too much, respective lives being so busy that there's no time left to work on the relationship, emotional changes occurring between people cause of the changed environment, and the list goes on.

But thats not really the worst part, we've all been through breakups before. What really is wrong is that everyone seems to have accepted this fate without question, picking up the broken pieces and moving on with their lives, no questions asked. And I'm taken back to the days in college when a relationship meant so much more than just a practical endeavor. When flirting and dating were not just an enjoyable experience, but a way of life. When crazy things were done to impress counterparts (my own including singing in public). When the guys would take trip to unknown places and not look at the sights, spending all their time instead smsing and calling their current "love interests". When every breakup meant a trip to the bar with the whole gang, and every new relationship forged meant the same thing, just that it was paid for. When nights were spent watching movies, listening to songs, and then calling the "other" hostel to tell them how movie scenes reminded them of the good times together. When the college would come alive at night with new and old couples alike, walking, chatting, making out...

I really dont know where those days have gone, or why we have chosen to be so "adult" about this. Why everyone is putting up the brave face while really being torn apart inside by the pain of the split-up. Why all the smiles are forced, when what you really want to do is call and say "I Love You". During the day why we slog to forget the past, when each night is spent tossing, turning, and crying about it. Why everyone is so quiet lately, listening to old songs, going back to the old haunts (atleast when we sleep), just thinking of the good times and wishing that time would rewind, if only for a few hours. Why everyone has accepted life for the way it is, not choosing to fight it with the zeal that we had just a few months back.

Dont grow up so much that you forget who you really are and what you really want. Dont confuse goals with dreams and practicality with love. For once in your life make the decision that you want, not the one that is required.

Dont give up so soon guys...and dont lose that one thing that matters...

Dont Cry...

How many times has life been too hard on you? How many times have you sat down with your head in your hands and your burdens on your shoulders, waiting for that single tear to drop and tell you that its all become too much for you? How many times have you been lost in love, at work, in friendship, with family, on the road or while simply trying to live your life the way you want to?

Where along the way did we lose the best things that we had? Where along the way did we replace realities for memories and dreams for goals? Where along the way did we become so defensive so as to not let anyone into our lives, for fear of one bad experience? Where along the way did we leave everything behind and wake up one day, just wrapped up in a thin blanket of loneliness...

For all you people out there who feel this at one time or another, and i know that most of you do, I dont have words of comfort, or solutions to problems. I'm just a simple man trying to lead a simple life. I dont have answers to anything, not even to things I've seen. Life is still as much a blur as it was. So all I can say to you is, and I really hope this helps...

Dont Cry...

Flying Away...

I'm leaving tomorrow. My bags are packed, and I've got everything of importance that I need. Atleast all that I could pack into two bags. I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. Sometimes I think I'm taking this so well. Or maybe I'm taking it too well, or not at all, who knows...

The last few days I've finished with all I had to do, and I've had time on my hands to think about everything...you know the usual- past, present and the future. And I guess nothing surprises me anymore. You dont need to be 60 years old with a world of responsibility to write about the fact that life's a bitch, you realise that within the first few years. The unitiated wait till they're old to realise that life has its ups and downs and that the sooner you know it, the easier it gets for you to adjust to it. But not me. 20 years are enough to know all I need to know. For all you optimists who know that every "bad" period gives way to the "happy" life eventually, you must know that the 'vice-versa' holds true too. So dont jump around with glee the first chance you get, cause you'll just fall harder when that time ends...and it will.

Dont make me out to be the pessimist. My point is that you need to take everything with a pinch of salt. If you look for the ray of sunshine in your bad day, make sure to look for that darkness too when you have a good time. Cause everything goes away eventually- Childhood, College, Parents, Children, Work...even Life. I guess the easiest way to enjoy life (atleast for me) is to sit back and watch everything pass me by like a really long train journey...you can make a few stops for refreshments at the good stations, but the carriage will rattle too much sometimes for you to handle, and ultimately it will always be time for you to move on.

Which is why I'm not scared, apprehensive, excited, happy, sad or pensive. I'm just waiting patiently...for the next station or the next jolt, depending on my luck.

Adult Life: Part I....

When I reached the maturity that a teenager reaches, I wanted only one thing...complete freedom and independence. It was all I could think about. Being a virgo I'd always been fiercely independent and longed for that to extend over all parts of my life. I prayed for it night and day, cursing the gods silently for the day to come soon. And recently I realized that I finally had it...I could smoke and drink at will, go out anywhere anyhow anytime, I had my own account and cash to spend, my own residence so to speak...what more could a guy want right? But somehow I'd missed this wonderful transition from partial to complete independence. And I was horrified to have let the single most important incident of my life go by without so much as an applause and a night out in town.

To top it all with irony, the reason for this was that I'd become too busy adjusting and trying to keep up with my new lifestyle. That of an adult. I remember some idiot once said "With every gift comes a responsibility"...well unfortunately for us adults this responsibility is so massive that we're unable to enjoy the very freedom we possess.

Sometimes I recall the days when practicality meant giving up an expensive toy for a cheaper one, or having to stay back home to study an extra hour...now practicality means giving up your love to "get ahead in life", to lose touch with your friends cause you're too busy at work, to fly away to the other side of the world to follow someone else's dream for you.

Is it really worth it? This running around, this constant tension about the work being done and the next one on its way, this weighing down of duties so much so that you want to lie down in a foetal position and weep sometimes, this constant race to keep up with life and all its fuckups.
Everytime I stop to rest after a really tiring day my mind refuses to stop working, thinking about all that is to come and preparing with zeal for the next day of tiring out.

We dont sleep like we used to anymore, a sleep that was truly refreshing cause your mind was out exploring freely without being bound to anything. We dont talk like we used to anymore, voicing our thoughts and emotions as we felt them. We dont cry and laugh like we used to anymore, openly and without shame. We dont live like we used to anymore, without deception and guilt and complexity in any facet of life. If you think about it, we arent really free are we.

Personally, I think it sucks being an adult.

Being Uprooted

Just got out of college. Four years of so-called education are finally over. Am I happy? So I'm 20, and I'm invincible...dont need anyone right now, no friends, no bonding, no emotional baggage so to speak...right? Then why does it hurt to leave? Its not cause I'm weak and dependent on others, and its surely not cause I have nowhere else to be.

So what is it then? Why this sudden bond that is tying me down and wont let me leave the place? Why are there tears in my eyes all of a sudden, when I havent really cried in years? Why am I having doubts and trying to do everything I can to delay my departure? Why am I so afraid to look back as I drive out for the last time towards the airport? Why are all my goodbyes quick "Keep in touch man, see you later"s?? Too many questions that seem to have no answer, for a person never held back by something like "emotion" before.

Took me a long time to figure out the whys and the hows...mainly cause I didnt wanna think about it. Being part of the army family the only long term connection I've ever had has been to my family...not even the word "home" cause that changes every two years with the posting. So when I finally reach college as a youngster, raring for independence and freedom...I get it here. For four long years I'm able to forge lasting relationships and bonds because this place feels like home...a place I'm free to build for myself, of my own choosing. I mean lets face it, this isnt the age when your family house feels like home to you anymore. You want your own place, something that you can return to anytime without any questions asked or eyebrows raised.

But as usual the irony of life comes dancing to play its part in the game. Just as I'm all settled down and comfortable, with a group of good friends and the love I've wanted...life comes to throw cold water and wake me up. To remind me that it aint lasting forever. Its time to move on. And so thats what I do. I pack my bags, say goodbye to the life I know and head back into the unknown. Give up friends, love, security and almost everything else that been so very important to me, and move towards my new posting. Why? To tell you the truth I dont even know the reason I'm leaving college...its not to forge a better life, its not cause thats the order...its just cause life is moving on, and we're ensnared with it.

And you know whats the worst part? For those four best years of my life I have nothing to show...no mementos, no baggage, nothing...just a few pictures and memories that are quickly fading away. Which brings me back to my first point. I'm 20, I'm invincible...and life goes on.

Heaven and Hell....

I know what you're thinking... The only god and the only devil?????? This guy must be absolutely conceited and a definitive narcissist. Well I'm not refuting that claim...to me it means the same this way or that. But there's a reason the title says what it says. Cause thats what we are...we're not all bad, and we surely aint all good...we're just stuck somewhere in the middle trying hard to wriggle to one side.

My point is, why fight it? Why choose fate and luck and charm and karma to decide the million minute decisions you make. Why choose at all. You are who you are, better or worse. You are your only God, you are your only Devil, you're human. Just live with it.